The Untold Secrets of Successful Relationships

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I have long suggested that a successful relationship or marriage requires effort, not "work." Often, the "job" is the thing you must do to have time and flexibility for things that really matter. "Effort is what you put in the activities that you care ... that you are most passionate about the triumph. In short, the effort is a driving force behind a great partnership and marriage. But there are secrets beyond putting in the effort and maintaining lines of communication open.

Separate and common interests. Couples who invest in others and build your life together stay together. People are also people, and it definitely has to take his own life (read: outdoor activities that are yours). But you need to spend time together ... even if it has to be coded (in the style of "Date Night"). And the activities need not be the same. The case in question: "Brenda" and "Mark" - two participants in my study to write "The problem with women ... are men." She is an advertising executive and high technology, he is a lover of nature and sports and camping. After eight years of marriage, they felt they had nothing in common - and began to fall apart. Instead of the power struggle to "do something ME!" "No, not ME! "Began building activities that were his things - together. After three years of swing-dance lessons and cooking classes, which have never been closer ... and snowboarding is as follows. Their marriage and friendship among they have improved tenfold, and no longer feel separate - though maintaining their separate activities.

Communication ... and active listening. Men and women who do not communicate are preparing for a big failure. According to the Association of Divorce Reform, about 80 percent of divorced reference "irreconcilable differences" as grounds for permanent separation - and the lack of communication is the catalyst. A couple emotionally honest and intimate should be able to talk about anything and everything. Spending time discussing likes and dislikes will not only bring the two closer together, but will be personally enlightening. By listening to and talking about what matters to your partner, you can discover a part of themselves that did not know existed. And when it comes to discussions, men should listen more than talk, and sometimes, it is not solve "the problem at hand," is trying to communicate with your partner.

Do not feel comfortable. There is nothing wrong with cuddling on the couch - in sweats, relaxed, etc. - for romantic nights. But for men who shave only on weekends, or wives who work from home in sweat all day, there's something missing in their self-esteem ... and theirrelationships. Taking care of yourself is really for you and your partner will benefit by extension. If couples do not take care of themselves (physically and mentally), which may be spreading slowly before they know it.

career support from others (or passions), and do not fight for the money. Married couples fight on three main issues: sex, children and money. And regardless of who the breadwinner is money fights always come back to one issue: control. Take "Melissa", a participant in my study and a senior executive at an advertising firm in New York. When he met Bryan - the man who would become her husband - both were in middle management earn about the same wages. However, through hard work and natural talent, Melissa's career hit its stride.

After several years of working 60-hour weeks +, broke the glass ceiling and became a highly respected executive and well paid. Commissioned by the company as president was then a very real possibility on the horizon. But as status, influence and paycheck grew, her marriage began to deteriorate. He tried to work on the relationship, but Bryan seemed to be disinterested, citing trivial matters as the reasons for their discontent. Besides having to take the lead because of long working hours of Melissa - something many women should do by default - Bryan was actually threatened by rapid advancement and success. After a year of couples therapy, were divorced. Bryan, like many other men, had his masculinity built on all the bad things. His ego was apparently too fragile and could not handle the fact that she was building something for yourself - in this case, a solid career.

These secrets are easy to write, but can be difficult to implement. If you are concerned about their relationship, the point would be more beneficial to listen more than talk. If you can hear what your partner is talking about - even if you disagree - that is before the game.